writings
Love & War: Week 1 (Amy)
Chapter 1- Remembering What We Wanted
There were two separate things that caught my attention in this chapter.
First, John says that he wishes someone had taken him aside a few weeks before getting married to tell him that, even though he and his bride were both fine people, that there would very soon come a point where they would have conflict and that-
God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in your life that he wants to address.
True words. And I like the reminder that marriage is hard–even in the best marriages. The problem with advice before the conflict is that no one actually thinks they are going to need it themselves. It’s certainly been true in my life that my “issues” have been magnified in my marriage. I’ve always struggled with developing healthy, close relationships. I’ve always wanted them, but I’ve never known exactly how to do it because I have a hard time allowing myself to be really open vulnerable. That would never cause any struggle in a marriage would it? 
I’ve learned to get beyond that a little in marriage, but it’s put a heavy burden on Nathan when he becomes the “one” person I feel safe with.
Second, I’ve been thinking about the question, “What was it you wanted when you first fell in love?”
I think the answer for me is that I wanted to be “chosen”. I wanted someone to see me, fall in love with me, and pursue me. And I dreamed of a husband who would adore me, provide for me and protect me. And he would do the “heavy lifting”- fix things that needed fixing, provide our primary income, and lead our family spiritually. Now that I type that out, I remember conversations in our premarriage counseling about what our expectations would be for roles and tasks in our home and family. I think it would be great fun to get that list out again (6 1/2 years later) and see how things have actually played out.
*you can find Nathan’s thoughts here.
Love & War: Week 1 (Nathan)
Chapter 1: Remembering What We Wanted
After the very well-written introduction, I was expecting chapter 1 to be good, and I wasn’t disappointed. I was, however, very surprised: This is a book about marriage. Written by a married couple. The last thing I expected was for them to reveal that 2 years into their marriage, they were considering divorce. It didn’t happen — they went on to relate a story about their 25th wedding anniversary — but I wasn’t expecting that sort of down-and-dirty reality in chapter 1.
This is a book written by imperfect people about the very real problems that confront married couples. It means a lot that they can be this open about the struggles they experienced in their own marriage.
There were a number of key points in this first chapter that struck home with me. The first was that when boy meets girl and they get married, they both enter the relationship as “deeply broken people.” No one can claim differently. Everyone is imperfect in at least some ways. In addition to dealing with the work of a marriage relationship, these personal issues must still be addressed!
All those fairy tales about a boy and girl who find themselves thrown together into an adventure in a dangerous land, and how they must come to work together if they have any hope of making it through, but they are both carrying a tragic flaw, an Achilles’ heel that pricks the other constantly and they barely do make it through — those fairy tales pretty much have it right.
The second thing I noticed was that though I can definitely see that I am a broken person, I am broken in very different ways than the authors. I see far more insecurity in myself than John relates. He identifies one of his main issues early on as being too overachieving and narcissistic. I, on the other hand, feel that I do not push myself hard enough, content to let things happen as they will.
The next thing that jumped out at me was that the authors consider having a “shared life” and “living for the same things” as key triumphs in their marriage. It’s not enough to simply be there for each other, supporting each others’ individual goals. As a couple, you must be pursuing the same prize, working together and not simply backing each other up. I want that for Amy and me.
Finally, they wrap up the chapter by asking us as reader what we dreamed our marriage would be like before we said I do and even back when we were kids. I identify with John’s dreams quite a bit, especially his first one: “I wanted to be believed in.” I too wanted (and still deeply desire) that.
I also look back and see that I had always wanted my wife to participate in “some grand adventure” with me. If I think back to my adolescent and teen years, thinking about books and movies that tickled my early understanding of what a relationship with a girl might be, I remember things like Goonies and the Princess Bride. Relationship that grew stronger as the couple (or couple-to-be) overcame very real obstacles in their adventure.
Chapter one got me thinking. I’m excited about chapter 2.
Love & War- Introduction
How exciting is it to sit across the living room from my husband blogging at the same time about the same thing! Ahhhh! Well, I think it’s the same thing. That will be some of the beauty of this. We’re reading the exact same thing, but I don’t know what he’s going to choose to write.
Let me get a couple of disclaimers out of the way. First of all, Nathan and I are not disciples of John and Stasi Eldredge. I picked the book because I thought that reading a book on marriage with my husband would be a growing experience for us. My hope is that the book will give us things to think about, discuss and process together. We may or may not end up agreeing with everything the authors say. Second disclaimer: We’re not professionals or experts when it comes to marriage. We’ve been married for 6 1/2 years. During this short journey, I’ve become a bit of an expert on the things that I’m doing wrong. With that in mind, I thought I should probably approach this book with the idea that I’m reading it to learn how to be a better wife not how to tell Nathan to be a better husband. Alrighty. Moving along.
The introduction of the book has Stasi relating the experience of listening to her husband officiate a wedding ceremony. At one point in the ceremony he says this:
. . . you are about to abandon yourselves to each other, throw caution to the wind, forsake independence, isolation, and all others. You will vow to each other your undying love. Before you do, we must call this what it is—this is perfect madness.
and later she relays John’s charge to the couple:
You have what it takes. Hold this close to your hearts. It can be done. And it is worth it.
Well that was good enough to keep me reading. As we go through this book, Nathan and I will each post weekly on the same day. That’s our only format. How it will specifically end up, we don’t know!
The Crib I Find Myself In- A guest post for Good Friday
(written by Amy’s father when Ethan was a baby)
pictures in the post are Isaac at 9 1/2 months
The Crib I Find Myself In
Today as I see Ethan getting up and desperately wanting to get out of the crib. I am reminded that I as a sinner was once in a crib. The bars of that crib were the sin and results of my own doing. How do I get out? There has to be much more to life than being stuck in my sinful crib. But no matter how I try, I can not get out on my own. How I long for some help. I wonder if I would cry out to my heavenly Father, would He hear me or even care if He did hear me. I think I’ll keep climbing on my own a few more days or weeks or years. No, I tried that didn’t I?
Father I need your help! I can’t do it alone, please help me out of this crib. Send help!
Now I wait, but the wait is short, for I hear Him coming! My heart is lifting, there is hope. My Savior comes. His name is Jesus. Our Heavenly Father sent his Son to get me out of my crib! Mother and father told me I could call out.
But wait, babies in their crib are usually wearing wet or messy diapers. Will He reach down for me even when I am a mess? He comes with a smile on His face and arms outstreached. It looks like He has been wanting to see me. Could He have wanted to help me as much as I needed His help? I believe it is so. He has picked me out of the crib and now is cleaning me. Thank you God. You picked me up just as I was.
Why did I wait so long to call. Now I am free and in my Father’s presence. This is going to be a great life!! The world looks different when I don’t have to look out between bars.
Steven Henning –Ethan’s Grandfather- and a child of God
Thoughts on David (Bible Study wrap-up)
My six week study on the life of David is complete. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had been doing some thinking about what it was that made David a “man after God’s own heart”. He made a lot of mistakes. So, that statement is confusing and encouraging at the same time.
As I was getting ready for the last session with our group, I made a list of things that were different about David. Here’s the list I made as I paged through the completed pages of the study:
- He obeyed and accepted the Lord’s call
- Trusted God’s timing
- Repented for his sins
- Changed his course of action when it was wrong
- Praised, trusted and worshiped in the middle of heart ache
- Learned from his mistakes
- Became more sensitive to sin
- Turned toward God and not away during rough seasons
- Humbled himself
- Finished Strong
What characterized David was his perseverance and continual dependence on God. He didn’t let his missteps keep him off track.
The other big thing that jumped out at me regarding David’s life was the timing of God’s covenant with him. In 2 Samuel 7, David had not been king for long and had just brought the ark of the covenant back to Israel. He wanted to build a temple, but God had other plans for him. This was the time where God established and communicated his promise that the Savior of the world would come through David’s line. This was a plan that would include Solomon, the son that the Lord gave to David and Bathsheba after their first son died as a result of David’s sin.
God certainly didn’t want David to make the horrible decision to claim a woman for his own that wasn’t David’s and then commit murder, but He did know that was the way that David’s life story was going to unfold. When David took Bathsheba and killed Uriah, God wasn’t wringing his hands thinking, “What should I do now to make this right,” or “How am I going to fix this mess?” There was never a time that David’s life was going to be any different than it played out. God knew what would happen and how David would accept responsibility for his actions and had already provided a way to fulfill his covenant and blessing. I love the application that how my life is today (with the good things and the disappointments) is not an alternate ending to my story. It was never going to be any different than it is unfolding now. It’s encouraging and freeing to know that He isn’t thinking, “What am I going to do now? He already knows and his promises to us are firm. God’s character doesn’t depend on my actions.
Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed
This coming Tuesday will be the last session of the Bible study, “Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed” (a 6 week study on the life of David) that I’ve been a part of. We’re a tiny little group. We started with 5 of us and now we have just 4 because one of the women moved. The small size has lent itself to making our times more cozy and open. There is time for everyone to talk about what they are learning and going through. I’ve really enjoyed it.
My friend, Catherine, and I have been leading it together. I’ve never led a study before where I did anything more than facilitate. In this one, I actually do some teaching which is frightening and fun at the same time. The story of David’s life is so full. The problem has never been to find something to discuss. The challenge is choosing one area on which to focus.
This week’s theme is “grace”- the “Redeemed” part of this study. Isn’t it confusing and encouraging that David would be called “a man after God’s own heart” when he made a good number of really bad decisions? Tonight, I’m going to spend some time thinking and studying what was it about David that made that statement true.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Thoughts on Insecurity
A few weeks ago, I ordered the book, So Long Insecurity, by Beth Moore. On a whim, I ordered 2 and sent one to my mother-in-law, too. I know! What kind of crazy woman sends a book on insecurity to their mother-in-law. The funny thing was that I didn’t spend much time thinking about whether or not I should do it BEFORE I already went through the steps to send it to her. It was only when it was too late that I started to think, “Oh no. I hope I didn’t just send a message to my mother-in-law that communicated that I thought she had issues with insecurity.” So, as you can see, I, myself have a few (or a lot!) of issues with insecurity, as evidenced by my second-guessing in this process. Anyway. . . moving along from there.
My mother-in-law, that many of my readers refer to as “Mom” or “Chris” loved the book and has finished it and she wasn’t offended at all! I don’t think it took more than a couple of weeks for her to get through the entire thing and she loved it! And, from what I’ve read of it, I do to.
Everyone has hangups of some kind or another in regard to insecurity, but women seem to have it down to a science. In chapter 3, the idea of a “prominent false positive” is discussed. It’s the one thing that you (or I) think would make us more secure in all things. Think of a person you look at and perceive as secure. What is it that they have that you don’t? How would you finish this statement?-
“You know, ____fill in the blank with name_____, people who don’t know you very well would never be able to imagine that you struggle with insecurity. After all. . . “
What would you say?
. . . you have so many friends.
. . . you have a spouse to take care of you.
. . . you don’t have to worry about finances.
And the crazy thing is that person, who has the thing that we think would make us more secure, is still insecure themselves because someone else has something that they don’t have that they are sure would solve their problem.
I’ve been trying to think of what my “prominent false positive” is. I don’t know if I am sure what mine is yet. I plan to blog more on this as I work through the last half of the book.
What do you think? Does any of this resonate with you or sound interesting?
Healing
It’s taking me a long time to get to writing this post. I experienced God in a very powerful way this last weekend and I’m not sure how to exactly put into words, but I feel very strongly that I need to tell you about it. Maybe it’s just to take a step in obedience for my own sake or maybe it’s because someone else needs to hear it.
I invited myself to join the women of Hope Community Church on their women’s retreat last weekend. I had talked with Mom about going last year, but for some reason, I decided not to go. I was nursing Audrey and it would have been a bit of a hassle. I saw the dates marked on the calendar when we were at Dad’s a couple of weeks ago. I believe it may be the last thing on the calendar on my mom’s handwriting. I decided to ask Vivian if it was still on and if I could go.
Half of the women at the retreat, I did not know personally. The other half I have known for most of my life. I wasn’t sure what to expect. If I had known what was planned, I probably wouldn’t have gone. The speaker for the retreat, Bobbi, stood in front of us on Friday night and said that the theme for the weekend was “Taste and See”. She said that to “taste” something meant to “try it out”. She wanted to introduce to us, the process of healing prayer. As soon as she said that, I started to cry.
The fact that I was crying isn’t that remarkable. From time to time, I have been known to be pretty emotional. But I had come to this weekend with a sense of expectancy. I was ready for something big to happen. I didn’t know how or what that meant or how the weekend would play into that, but I was ready for something. After Bobbi introduced the theme, the tears came for a couple of reasons. They came because I knew that I needed healing and they also came because it’s one thing I had been known to roll my eyes over or be fearful of when my mom talked about it. “Healing prayer” seemed sort of “out there” to me. I told myself that maybe it was too charismatic for my taste and that I could work through my stuff with God by myself. I am much more comfortable standing up and giving testimony of things that are in the past. I’m scared to death of saying out loud, “This is what I’m dealing with right now. This is where I’m failing”.
At the end of one of the sessions, Bobbi said that the women’s council had been praying for each of us in anticipation of this time. They specifically prayed that God would stir things up in our lives and bring things to the surface that we needed to address. As soon as she said that, a women near me started weeping. I knew how she felt. So many of us could see clearly how God was working preparing our hearts for this time. We broke up into small groups and our leader asked us if we wanted to share how God was working. Woman after woman shared an area where they were feeling they needed healing. Then the leader would pray for them and with them, praying truth straight from Scripture and encouraging the women to respond in prayer in whatever way the Lord was speaking to them. It included confessing sin and asking for forgiveness for specific things as well as admitting and saying out loud what things we were handing over to the Lord for him to work His healing and asking Him to redeem those past situations and to ask Him to help us believe the truth about our situations and ourselves.
A part of me still feels a little apprehensive of talking about this because I’m afraid that some of you will think that I’m weird. What if you’re skeptical about what I’m saying? There truly wasn’t anything mystical about it. It was powerful because it was God’s truth being poured over our wounds and it was done in community. God showed me that some times there are issues that He wants to work on with me while I’m with other believers and not just in my room by myself.
There were two specific areas that I felt like I needed to open up myself and tell the Lord that I was ready to give up my own control. It had to do with my choices as a mom and my relationships with my girl friends. Some of it had to do with past hurts and some of it had to do with my own poor choices. I’ll talk about that more later. For now, I just wanted to tell you that I “tried it out”. I took a taste. The Lord did a work in my heart and I know I’m not the same.
amy
