Chapter 1- Remembering What We Wanted

There were two separate things that caught my attention in this chapter.

First, John says that he wishes someone had taken him aside a few weeks before getting married to tell him that, even though he and his bride were both fine people, that there would very soon come a point where they would have conflict and that-

God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in your life that he wants to address.

True words.  And I like the reminder that marriage is hard–even in the best marriages. The problem with advice before the conflict is that no one actually thinks they are going to need it themselves. It’s certainly been true in my life that my “issues” have been magnified in my marriage. I’ve always struggled with developing healthy, close relationships. I’ve always wanted them, but I’ve never known exactly how to do it because I have a hard time allowing myself to be really open vulnerable. That would never cause any struggle in a marriage would it? I’ve learned to get beyond that a little in marriage, but it’s put a heavy burden on Nathan when he becomes the “one” person I feel safe with.

Second, I’ve been thinking about the question, “What was it you wanted when you first fell in love?”

I think the answer for me is that I wanted to be “chosen”. I wanted someone to see me, fall in love with me, and pursue me. And I dreamed of a husband who would adore me, provide for me and protect me. And he would do the “heavy lifting”- fix things that needed fixing, provide our primary income, and lead our family spiritually. Now that I type that out, I remember conversations in our premarriage counseling about what our expectations would be for roles and tasks in our home and family. I think it would be great fun to get that list out again (6 1/2 years later) and see how things have actually played out.

*you can find Nathan’s thoughts here.

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Chapter 1: Remembering What We Wanted

After the very well-written introduction, I was expecting chapter 1 to be good, and I wasn’t disappointed. I was, however, very surprised: This is a book about marriage. Written by a married couple. The last thing I expected was for them to reveal that 2 years into their marriage, they were considering divorce. It didn’t happen — they went on to relate a story about their 25th wedding anniversary — but I wasn’t expecting that sort of down-and-dirty reality in chapter 1.

This is a book written by imperfect people about the very real problems that confront married couples. It means a lot that they can be this open about the struggles they experienced in their own marriage.

There were a number of key points in this first chapter that struck home with me. The first was that when boy meets girl and they get married, they both enter the relationship as “deeply broken people.” No one can claim differently. Everyone is imperfect in at least some ways. In addition to dealing with the work of a marriage relationship, these personal issues must still be addressed!

All those fairy tales about a boy and girl who find themselves thrown together into an adventure in a dangerous land, and how they must come to work together if they have any hope of making it through, but they are both carrying a tragic flaw, an Achilles’ heel that pricks the other constantly and they barely do make it through — those fairy tales pretty much have it right.

The second thing I noticed was that though I can definitely see that I am a broken person, I am broken in very different ways than the authors. I see far more insecurity in myself than John relates. He identifies one of his main issues early on as being too overachieving and narcissistic. I, on the other hand, feel that I do not push myself hard enough, content to let things happen as they will.

The next thing that jumped out at me was that the authors consider having a “shared life” and “living for the same things” as key triumphs in their marriage. It’s not enough to simply be there for each other, supporting each others’ individual goals. As a couple, you must be pursuing the same prize, working together and not simply backing each other up. I want that for Amy and me.

Finally, they wrap up the chapter by asking us as reader what we dreamed our marriage would be like before we said I do and even back when we were kids. I identify with John’s dreams quite a bit, especially his first one: “I wanted to be believed in.” I too wanted (and still deeply desire) that.

I also look back and see that I had always wanted my wife to participate in “some grand adventure” with me. If I think back to my adolescent and teen years, thinking about books and movies that tickled my early understanding of what a relationship with a girl might be, I remember things like Goonies and the Princess Bride. Relationship that grew stronger as the couple (or couple-to-be) overcame very real obstacles in their adventure.

Chapter one got me thinking. I’m excited about chapter 2.

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How exciting is it to sit across the living room from my husband blogging at the same time about the same thing! Ahhhh! Well, I think it’s the same thing. That will be some of the beauty of this. We’re reading the exact same thing, but I don’t know what he’s going to choose to write.

Let me get a couple of disclaimers out of the way. First of all, Nathan and I are not disciples of John and Stasi Eldredge. I picked the book because I thought that reading a book on marriage with my husband would be a growing experience for us. My hope is that the book will give us things to think about, discuss and process together. We may or may not end up agreeing with everything the authors say. Second disclaimer: We’re not professionals or experts when it comes to marriage. We’ve been married for 6 1/2 years. During this short journey, I’ve become a bit of an expert on the things that I’m doing wrong. With that in mind, I thought I should probably approach this book with the idea that I’m reading it to learn how to be a better wife not how to tell Nathan to be a better husband. Alrighty. Moving along.

The introduction of the book has Stasi relating the experience of listening to her husband officiate a wedding ceremony. At one point in the ceremony he says this:

. . . you are about to abandon yourselves to each other, throw caution to the wind, forsake independence, isolation, and all others. You will vow to each other your undying love. Before you do, we must call this what it is—this is perfect madness.

and later she relays John’s charge to the couple:

You have what it takes. Hold this close to your hearts. It can be done. And it is worth it.

Well that was good enough to keep me reading. As we go through this book, Nathan and I will each post weekly on the same day. That’s our only format. How it will specifically end up, we don’t know!

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