Time for a pregnancy update. Obviously, I took this picture myself using the mirror. I’ll get a better one later. I do have a bit of a tummy now. Please excuse the dirty mirror.
I think I need to stop saying that I’m feeling better. Each time I announce my confidence that I’m done being sick, I get really sick again. I haven’t taken my medicine for about a week and the pill I took a week ago, was taken after not taking any for a while during the Christmas holiday. I didn’t pack my pills when we went to Dad’s. I’m pretty sure I got sick each and every time we ate. For the past 2-3 days, I’m experiencing that again. I’ll get a refill on Monday. It’s not that I’m trying to be a martyr, I just didn’t want to spend the money on it if I didn’t need it.
It’s really taking a toll on me. Kneeling on the bathroom floor with a towel to clean all that’s splashed back up in my face is wretched. I don’t feel sick all the time. So, I’m able to actually eat regular meals. However, not long after eating, I start to feel sick. It’s different than the first trimester. I can’t figure out if it’s better or worse. Being hungry makes me sick, eating too much makes me sick, being tired makes me sick, being cold makes me sick.
It’s now been over a year since Ethan and Audrey have seen Mom. The upcoming anniversary of her death and the reminder that she would have been the one I would have called on for support is weighing so heavily on me. I share a lot of personal things on this blog, but I really have no way of knowing if you think I’m just being lazy and making things worse. And I wonder who is thinking, “It can’t really be that bad if she’s starting to show.” I miss having that one person who knew me so well and loved me so well– like only a mom can. To most people who know me, my mom’s death seems like it was long ago. But, I have to say, I’m not over it and sometimes it still feels very fresh.
I want to be able to tell someone that I’m afraid I made a huge mistake and I’m not sure I can endure this pregnancy and know that they aren’t going to judge me. I know I’m incredibly blessed and lots of people can’t have children or have a much harder time getting pregnant. I know that pain is very real. This is just the place where I am right now. It’s ugly, but it’s honest.
Stay tune for potty training updates on Audrey.
Categories: life, parenting |
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